Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
