I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
