did i walk over a car last night?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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