I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
