got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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