Someone shit on the floor
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
