Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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