He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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