Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
