For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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