My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize