My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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