I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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