Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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