Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
