rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
