I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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