Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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