I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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