just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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