Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
