fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
