Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
