The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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