just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
