Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
