I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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