hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
