You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize