Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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