Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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