i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
