Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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