OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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