I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
