you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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