I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
