I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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