Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
