Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
