omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
