I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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