I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize