Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
