You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
