Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize