Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize