Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
