How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
