when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
