Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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