I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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