How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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