forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
cat food counts as protein by the way
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
