I'm really into asian looking animals
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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