In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
