He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
