I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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