Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
