ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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