the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
