She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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