Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize